“Thinking is hard work, which is why you don’t see a lot of people
doing it.”
~Sue Grafton, American
author
Those who say it is time for the Virginia
Tech families “to move on” are often blinded by the total settlement figure.
All they see is the money. Many do not understand that the pain from the loss
of a child or spouse cannot be mitigated by any amount of money, nor will time
completely heal the wound. They don’t stop to think that the lawyers for the families
got $1 million and each family of a deceased loved one received $100,000. That
is not a fortune—it is an insult. They don’t stop to think that $100,000, $1
million, or a $100 million cannot replace their child or family member. Ask any parent or spouse who lost someone on
April 16, 2007 and he or she will say keep your money and give me my loved one
back.
|
The
Virginia Tech Settlement Agreement and Release
1. Direct
payments to victims’ and personal representatives of victims’ estates
$3,850,000 (The $100,000 for the
families came from this pot of money.)
2. Charitable
Purposes Fund $1,750,000
3. Hardship
Fund $1,900,000
4. Attorneys’
fees $1,500,000 (approximate)
|
These
well-meaning people who talk about “moving on” often speak without thinking;
their attempts at kindness can, in fact, be very cruel. They do not realize
that the first thing to know about a tragedy—particularly the sudden loss of a
child or spouse—is that you will never really get over it; you learn to live
with it, you learn to cope, but it is always there. These people don’t stop to
think about what they are saying; they have no idea of the negative impact
their words can have. Furthermore,
everyone attempts to recover from such tragedies in his or her own way, in his
or her own time—there is no standard or set time to “move on.”
There
is, furthermore, no one formula for the recovery process. Some simply remember
and are thankful for having the time they had with their lost loved one; some
say this was all God’s purpose and we will trust in him; others devote
themselves to preventing future campus shootings; and some simply remember and
cry. All are valid forms of recovery and no one has the right to judge or tell
any parent or spouse how or when she or he should begin to put her or his life
back together.
When
you listen to the families talk about the child they lost or the spouse who was
gunned down, you hear stories of amazing, wonderful human beings; you begin to
realize the full magnitude of what was lost that day—it becomes overpowering;
the loss is suffocating.
My
work on this book has made me realize how remarkable the families of the
Virginia Tech tragedy are. They are an inspiration. The pain is there, it will
never go completely away, but they are moving ahead with their lives in a
variety of ways. I have come to admire the Tech families I interviewed for this
book; they represent, in so many ways, the finest qualities of human character
and nature. Each family is strong in its own unique way.
My
admiration for the Virginia Tech families becomes even greater when I reflect
on the fact that there is some pain that time will never fully heal, especially
when victims’ families are lied to. The people who say it is time to move on do
not realize that if a parent or family member dares to raise questions or ask
for explanations he or she may encounter vicious criticism, and even threats
for personal safety. Indeed, there is a small, but at times highly vocal group
of people who are incredibly cruel and callous. They belittle the families of
school shooting victims in their attempt to find answers and to hold people
accountable; they call these families moneygrubbers and greedy. The people who
call on the families to “move on” do not want to hear about the sarcasm,
threats, and verbal abuse some victims’ families have encountered. But they
need to. They need to understand the harsh reality of what really happens. (To
be continued)
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